Eddie Van Halen is a great guitarist no doubt about it. His influence on the electric guitar will live forever. Recently, however, Eddie has sufferened the slings and arrows of two scourges : LSD (lead singers disease) of his singers David Lee Roth and Sammy Hager, and of course, his titanic booze problem. These have conspired to keep him out of the public eye.

In my religous role of helper to mankind, I set out to save this rocker's soul for El Duce our Lord. I hooked up with Eddie at the Liquor store by my pad. He was righteosuly stocking up on massive amounts of beer,wine and vodka. I was buying a pack of rolling papers and some Guiness Stout.

I introduced myself and it turns out that he was a big Mentors fan. He said he really loved Duce and tried to get Roth and Hager to sing dirty lyrics but they were too wimpy. He said he planned to get Duce in the band before he got crushed by the train. Turns out he really went off the wagon big time since Duce went on to be Lord and hasnt taken his head of the bottle since.

I said he dude, thats kool, but lets rock anyway. So Eddie brought over the early tapes from Van Halen One and we fucked around with them. He convinced me to sing over Roth's tracks (he actually erased DLR from the master tape). I tried to stop him from doing it, but I rocked out on the vocals and turned it into a way more heavier track than it ever was before.

Check it out.

Click here to Listen to Heathen's stunning version of Runnin with the Penis!

He and Alex actually offered me the job as the new singer in Van Halen, and I had to say, hey, Eddie, cmon. I know I can sing pretty good but honestly I'm no Roth or Hagar. I recommended Matt McCourt for the job.

Anyway, Eddie is now a serious drinking buddy and member of the Church of El Duce. I am trying to find some sluts to get him laid, he has been really bummed out recently and can't stop watching porn long enought to pick up some slut.